Unbroken

I remember only a few weeks ago when I set out to write about my experience in building a new life. It seemed like a good way to document progress. Good intentions were had. A strong desire for change and growth was real. I don’t know if I’m the only one this happens to, but it seems like any time I set out to shift my focus, direct my life in a new way, everything on earth conspires against me.

Back in February, my oldest son and daughter-in-love in Montana, had a baby, so considering my high expectations of getting a job quickly, I jumped on a plane to go celebrate this precious new arrival to the world - while I could. I always appreciate a change of scenery and in routine, so it felt quite healthy to be on this trip - healthy until I slipped on the ice and fell and broke my arm.

At first I thought losing the use of my arm, even temporarily, would be nothing more than a minor inconvenience. But as time slipped by, my limited ability to do simple tasks like styling my hair, putting dishes away, preparing food moved beyond little frustrations. Those minor inconveniences became glaringly problematic in the job search. I was landing interviews, but felt like I presented a potential problem to employers in interviews rather than solutions. It messed with my mind because I could not accurately gauge where the gaps were. Was it age, skill, typical job search search delays, or the more obvious mobility concerns?

So it begs the question: Will waiting for my arm to heal be the answer? Or will it just put me farther behind schedule in reaching my goals.

Even while writing this, I realize that a broken arm is not that terrible. People face far more difficult and longterm impairments than that every day. I think that with the pressures of a cross country move, having no friends or community yet, having zero income, looking for a home or land that feels so out of reach in this economy, the original goals of curing bad habits and changing thought processes feel like back-burner issues. But are they?

I went out to take a walk and came across a tree stump. Inside this tree stump, someone created a whole magical minuscule world. There were tine houses, and pathways and signs. Here I was, in the middle of this huge park filled with trees, with people exercising and playing sports, there was this other tiny world, completely overlooked by most passersby. I’m trying to be more intentional to notice the magic within the flurry of everyday striving.

The truth is, there is no time like the present - right now - to change. Life doesn’t suddenly improve on it’s own. It takes effort and intention to become something you’ve never been before. It takes partnering with hope and expectation that there is no proof for. It takes keeping the objectives front and center - even when all of life seems to be conspiring against you. So I’m keeping my eyes on the tiny imperceptible little things God is doing - while I go.

I have goals. I am losing weight. Gratifying work is coming. Building a community around me is worth working for. Putting my personal desire for inner change on the back burner will not support these goals - going after them with furious intention will help me achieve more than a quick fix. It will deliver long term change and satisfaction. Getting my mind right is worth the effort. My arm will heal. And the future is worth fighting for.

I look forward to exploring more around this idea of “fighting” for my future in the next post.